To Move Forward

On making mistakes, having flaws, and the importance of letting go

There was a point this morning when I thought I wouldn’t be able to get through the day. I wanted nothing more than to sit down on the floor, curl myself up into the fetal position, and disappear. It happens more often than I’d like to admit, for one reason or another—tiredness, hunger, or general dread at what the day has in store— and yet, I always get through it. As a dear old friend used to tell me, “there ain’t nothing to it but to do it.” And there isn’t. Every time I’ve ever felt like I couldn’t carry on, I did; everything I ever dreaded passed. All it took was to keep chugging along.

You can’t expect life to be easy, you know? Between the soaring peaks of joy are mountains of the mundane, and we’ve got to traverse them all the same. I suppose I wrote about something similar recently, but there’s a difference between enjoying the quiet moments and simply getting through the challenging ones. Sometimes, the best you can do is to scrape by. That’s okay. Get through the day, get to sleep, and take on the next. Find something to look forward to, set your sights on it, and keep on moving. We don’t have a choice.

Of course, we always have a choice. But this choice is simple, as black-and-white as you’ll ever find.

None of what I’m saying is groundbreaking, and I’m sure there’s a million different people out there from whom you might hear it, but it’s not something I’ve always known. Many people told me along the way, but I didn’t listen. I had to learn it through experience, and maybe that’s the only way you really can. Still, not everyone learns from their experiences. How can you not, though? It can’t be as simple as saying “they don’t think.” Rene Descartes’ “first principle" is cogito, ergo sum: I think, therefore I am. Irrespective of one’s opinion on Descartes’ philosophy, I believe the inverse is undoubtedly true: we are, therefore we think. It’s just what we, as human beings, do. That can’t be it, then.

Maybe it’s that, in many cases, people don’t want to see themselves as they really are: flawed. There’s this pervasive idea that it’s ugly. But it isn’t ugly to have flaws; it’s what makes us human. What is ugly is to be aware of your shortcomings and not try your best to change them. That’s not to say that you will, but you won’t know if you don’t try. We’re always changing in this life. Think back on yourself five years ago; there’s probably aspects of that person’s character or behavior that you hardly recognize. Well, a few short seasons are all that separates you from them. Change is going to happen regardless. You might as well try to direct that change in a way that makes your life better, or at least improves the lives of those around you.

Speaking of which, to live is to care, and we have a duty of care to try to be our best selves. Not just to ourselves, but to those around us; to the people we love, but more than that, to people in general. It seems like, societally, most of our problems come from people not caring. It’s easy to be complacent about our poor behavior or flaws, because life is hard enough as is. But it’s worth the effort to try to improve, no matter how much time that takes.

One might say it’s easy for me to sit here and preach, but I’m not preaching. I’m speaking from experience. I’ve been down in the hole, and I’ve done plenty of things (and behaved in many ways) that have caused me a great amount of shame. Making mistakes, though, is a part of life; I recognize that now. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t done the things I’ve done, that’s for sure. Life is a constant practice in course-correcting, and it’s imperfect. If we could learn from other peoples’ mistakes, it would be a whole lot easier. But most of us can’t. 

That’s also why it’s important to forgive. It’s easy to say you’d never do something, and, of course, some things are near-unforgivable. But you can never truly know what someone else is carrying, what’s driven them to be who they are and do what they do. People hear someone like me say this and roll their eyes, because they have this idea of a total forgiveness in which the offending party is absolved of all responsibility for their actions. That’s not I mean, though. I’m saying that you should absolve yourself of the personal responsibility of holding someone else accountable. You don’t have to let a person who has wronged you back into your life, but holding onto resentment is foolish; it’s like wearing a pendant full of enriched uranium. It might not be today or tomorrow, but it’s going to change you, and it won’t be for the better. We are what we feel, especially what we feel intensely. Negative emotions will eat you alive. 

For your own sake, find it in your heart to let go. You don’t have to call it forgiveness. Call it moving on, or understanding, or whatever the hell you want. Just accept that what’s done is done and look forward. People have the capacity to change. That doesn’t mean that they will, but they can. You don’t have to be around to see it, of course. But this life is both short and long. There’s a lot of time for self-reflection if you make it a priority. Holding on to anger and hate is a lose-lose situation: if someone doesn’t change, then you’re just letting them hurt you over and over again; if they do, then you’re mad at someone that, effectively, no longer exists.

Speaking of forgiveness; I’m sure many of you will have discovered this in your own lives, but the hardest person to forgive is yourself. It’s always that way. But it’s also most important that you do. You can look at someone else and wonder why they might be the way the are or question how they could do the things they’ve done. But when it’s us, there’s no mystery to it; if there is, then we’re forced to confront a part of ourselves that’s easiest to bury deep inside. You can live your whole life running away from the person in the mirror. We have to allow ourselves room for growth, for change. Like I said before, an interval of time can pass quickly, but still be plenty long enough to look inwardly and understand why we are who we are.

Accept that you’re flawed, and that you’ll always make mistakes. It’s okay. Mistakes become valuable lessons when you let yourself learn from them. Learn, and you’ll acquire wisdom you lacked before. Then you’ll be unlikely to make the same mistake twice. And, even if you do, it’s okay, so long as you evaluate why you did what you did. The aforementioned capacity for change works both ways: it also means that you’re responsible for bettering yourself. If you’re not changing, you’re just dying.

Don’t be afraid to look yourself in the face and ask hard questions. When I was younger, there were things I knew about myself that I was afraid to say out loud or write down, because I was afraid that, in doing so, I would make them real. But they were already real; I was just running away. And I caused myself—and others—a lot of pain, all because I wasn’t willing to face the truth. Once I did, my life changed for the better. All it took was being honest with myself.

I’m going to make a thousand more mistakes before I’m done. But I’ll try my best to accept that they happen, understand why, and address that within myself so they don’t happen again. If they do, well, I’ll try again. I might fail over and over, but, so long as I live, I’ll try to be better. It’s all we can do in the end.